Pomp and Circumstance

"There's no way in hell 4 years of drinking and partying in college qualifies me to lead Marines"

-Gabriel Vila (paraphrased)

People consistently are surprised when I express my disinterest in walking on graduation day, so I figured I'd write about it a bit here. I haven't written in a while, and it's a fairly benign subject. The only people that might possibly get offended are those who feel I'm somehow implying that graduation is completely worthless, which I'm not. It's certainly an accomplishment for many people, but for myself...I could care less.

There are several factors that contribute to my apathy. The first is that UCSD simply is not that challenging compared to Marine Corps boot camp. Graduation itself is not difficult, or in other terms "C's get degrees". I'm prouder of getting accepted into grad school or a job than I am of simply getting the diploma, which feels only marginally better than getting it from a degree-mill school. I feel as if I could have learned more if they just told me "Here's the library. Have fun, and in two years we'll hand you a sheet of paper that employers will love." Except for the equestrian team and a couple close friends I made (oh, and that piece of paper which I need for certain jobs), I would say this was a waste of time and money.

I'm also severely lacking in school spirit, in case you haven't picked that up by now. Institutional flag waving is not something I'm big on. If I pay my respects to the flag, it's not out of patriotism, but for the people that sacrificed for the flag. And if it's that difficult to get me to feel patriotic for a country that I may admit to loving under the right conditions, good luck getting me to go "yay college" in anything except a sarcastic tone of voice.

Perhaps it boils down to college not being this large stepping stone for me that it is for so many others. My major accomplishment was graduating Marine Corps boot camp. The next step was deploying and coming home. And the only thing I can think of that can top that is, god willing, getting into and graduating BRC. Those events came and passed with little fanfare, at least compared to college graduation, and I simply don't feel comfortable with the amount of hullabaloo thrown at the graduation ceremony. It seems so nauseatingly gratuitous for something so trivial...and it's insultingly expensive to boot. I just can't bring myself to care.

Watching the section of War Tapes where the Army troops come home. I'm trying to remember what it felt like to come home. I can't really recall the first time back. The second time back, I remember everyone was just glad that the singer or whatever ceremonious event they had planned for us got cut short. Nobody wanted to hear a speech. Nobody wanted to hear music. Everyone just wanted to see their family. That's it. I just wanted to go home, sleep curled up next to my dog, and get some chinese food. That's all I really remember. I remember my mom was there, because I took a picture with her. I don't remember if my father or sister where there, but it'd make sense if they were. I remember taking pictures of other people for memory's sake.

You know what'd be a good way to celebrate graduation? Get together. Get a beer or two. Reminisce on memories from the last two years. Part ways, but keep in touch. No stupid cap and gown. No speeches from people I don't care about. No pretending to be part of something I don't care at all about. Let's just have a drink.

If you took the time to read this, I'll reward you with a little personal confession. I've hit another milestone in my life, graduating college, and I'm still where I was 4 years ago. Nothing has changed. Other people I know have their significant others and are planning to settle down. I still live in my own world. Why did I reenlist? Because I have nothing else going for me after two years in college. After two years, the only people worth giving a damn about are fellow Marines, sailors, and soldiers (and the occasional airman). I do love my family, and many of my closest friends, but they have their own lives to live, and I have no reason to stay back here for them. If only I had met someone worth staying back here for. Someone that wants to keep in touch with me without me having to leave overseas.

I've been here for two years, and what I have to show for it is a few good friends, my time with the Equestrian team, and a piece of paper. And I really don't care about the last item, so I really don't care about graduation either.

As Dickey might say, I am a disgruntled man.

What does graduation mean to you? Why are you walking or not walking?

Mocking Tragedy

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die."

-Mel Brooks

So this entry is a response to someone who was apparently offended at this anecdote:

so I decided to wear board shorts today and **** walks out of his room looks at me and says, "I'm going to wear swim trunks today too... ****'s not gonna be the only one prepared."... BAWAHAHAHA!

Apparently it showed insensitivity to the disaster in Japan. And yeah, it probably was a bit insensitive. But why does that matter? Daily life is filled with "insensitive" things. Just look through modern day television. Jokes are typically made at the expense of others, from Zoolander mocking models to Always Sunny in Philadelphia mocking...well...pretty much everyone. If we had a world with no jokes that anyone could possibly get offended at, I imagine we'd be stuck telling a lot of knock knock jokes and bad puns.

People cope with tragedy in different ways. Some people take solace in humor, even black humor. Some people ignore it altogether. Who are we to judge and say that they're not accepting it properly?

Since it's a major disaster is there some obligation to approach it to the extreme I see others on the internet applying? Pray for Japan, donate to Japan, help Japan. And yet how many in Africa die every day? I have only seen a few people take note and ask for prayers for them. I doubt many of these people will mark the day of the earthquake in their calendars down any more than they marked the days Indonesia, China, America, and countless other countries suffered similar disasters.

It reminds me of that quote "When you kill one it is a tragedy, when you kill a million it is a statistic". Only apparently there is additionally a difference between killing slowly, day by day, in comparison to a big event. One warrants a facebook post. The other is simply something on a flyer few will ever read, handed out in vain to students on library walk.

Now I'm not saying praying is bad, or caring is bad. However you approach these things is your prerogative. But it's yours alone. No one else has a responsibility to care, no more than you have a responsibility to care for a random stranger halfway across the globe.

And I contest the notion that somehow by not caring, by not saying "Pray of the Japanese!" or not donating a dollar that somehow this shows how we don't care for our fellow man. There is nothing that says these people who won't donate a dollar for a Japanese are somehow worthless human beings as a result. You have to take their whole life behavior into account before you can make a statement like that, and I doubt any of us can truly understand another person's life to that extent. If we think we can, we're likely lying to ourselves.

The average human being can not live through life constantly focusing on tragedy and loss. Try living your day constantly feeling sad for the millions suffering world wide. Good luck. Until you can live your life like that, don't act as thought others are obligated to look at one tragic event with the same awestruck manner as yourself.

The TLDR version of this post?

I'm saying one can laugh at that picture at top and still be a decent human being.

Of course, there is something to be said about priorities.

(Photo by Richard Gilbert)

What are your thoughts about the way humans respond to tragedy? Am I a terrible person for laughing at that picture and not giving Japan much more thought than "That sucks"? Let me know.

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Edit: I remembered something I wanted to add in here. In another post I complained about how people wanted to rush over to tragedy, to stare and gawk at it. The example was a girl who attempted to commit suicide. Doing a little good 'ol reconciliation of cognitive dissonance, here's what I've concluded:

I don't care if individuals like to do that. It's their life. I personally find it distasteful, but I won't say they can't do that or give them a lengthy lecture on it. Hence why I only gripe about it here. To them, I have discussions about their thoughts on it, if they feel like chatting about it, but as long as they're content with who they are , then whatever. I won't go running to stare at it.

I do find black humor funny though. Might just be my way of coping. A "Don't take things too seriously" sort of thing.

I do have issue with the fact that a job supervisor encouraged the "rush and stare at the shiny lights and sirens" mentality from that other night. But that has more to do with the fact that they were a supervisor than with any personal judgement.

If you have any more questions, I'd be happy to elaborate and clarify.

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And another quote to jog your thoughts on the subject:

"Max, six billion people on the planet, you're getting bent out of shape cause of one fat guy. "

"Well, who was he?"

"What do you care? Have you ever heard of Rwanda?"

"Yes, I know Rwanda."

"Well, tens of thousands killed before sundown. Nobody's killed people that fast since Nagasaki and Hiroshima. Did you bat an eye, Max?"

"What?"

"Did you join Amnesty International, Oxfam, Save the Whales, Greenpeace, or something? No. I off one fat Angelino and you throw a hissy fit."

"Man, I don't know any Rwandans."

"You don't know the guy in the trunk, either."

-Collateral

Next time: Racist rants. And why I don't give a flying fuck about those either.

Dulce et decorum

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,–
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.
-Wilfred Owen

I was reminded today how much it irks me when people express the sentiment that war is "cool" or "patriotic".

Perhaps this is another one of the reasons I feel so uncomfortable with people who want to shake my hand and call me a "hero".

War is a destructive force. As Chris Hedges aptly put it, it is chemotherapy. At times it may remove a greater evil, but in the process it strips away and destroys.

I was accepted into a platoon today. I pray I do well.

Coming Home

Dear Mrs., Mr., Miss, or Mr. and Mrs. Daneeka:
Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded or reported missing in action.

-Catch-22, Joseph Heller

I recently saw an advertisement for this show:

I feel very reserved about this. It's a mixture of the happy mood of it and the additional hollywood touch of a "surprise" homecoming.

Why a surprise homecoming? Is a regular homecoming not dramatic enough? Is there not enough drama in one returning back after months away from family? Why do they feel the need to turn it into a reality-show/oprah winfrey-esque moment?

And then there's the happy, feel good-ness of the whole show. It perpetuates the myth of war by omission. Something tells me Lifetime doesn't want to share with its viewers stories of those who couldn't make it home, or those who return home with scars, emotional and physical.

Photo by Todd Heisler, Rocky Mountain News

If you feel that this picture is anti-war, then you fail to understand what happens in a war. And what happens in war is far uglier than the dignified end we try to confer upon those who died. Whether one supports or despises the war, as always we must remember that there is a human cost.

...bullets fly and soldiers die and it's such a shock.

Fuck that. What did they think it was gonna be like? Fear factor?"

-Capt. Stone (Woody Harrelson), The Messenger

I'd like to close by recommending two alternate views of homecoming.

The first is War Tapes, which more candidly follows the tours of three National Guardsmen, including their homecoming. It is a far more realistic portrayal than the fantasy of bursting out of presents or dressing up as a knight. For some, there isn't even anyone to greet them ("Where's the spot for losers with no family?" one soldier quips). And after the return home is the adjustment to civilian life.

Taking Chance follows the return home that over 5,000 families have had. And while it is a definitely American film, I still recommend it in that it largely eschews politics and it tells a story that many people never hear about.

Edit: I also wanted to recommend "the Messenger", which follows a fictional account of those who deliver words no person ever wants to hear.

How do you feel about the war media and shows like "Coming Home"? Do they serve a purpose? Are they exploitive? Are they harmless entertainment?

Persona

"Life has become a charade. We carry out one life in public, another in private"

-Kazem Ahangaron

A friend once mentioned to me a homework assignment: What is the purpose of your Facebook profile? What are you display to the world through it. I thought it was an interesting topic.

My Facebook profile's identity lies in its quotes section. I am not the most articulate person out there. I mumble and unless I have time to prepare my speech is filled with pauses and ramblings. It is the words of others that best articulate what's on my mind. Every quote on that page, with the exception of "Live every week like it's shark week" has special resonance with me and my view of the world and life.

I try to keep my wall posts lighthearted. This is the part of me most people will see. It is closest to my public persona. It is primarily smart alec quips, public questions or notifications, and the occasional link of interest. I don't want to force long musings on others. It is not because I do not want to share, but it's because I know people have other things they'd rather see and I don't want to be a bother.

For those that are interested in knowing more about me, I leave my profile information. The large majority of what I think is not private information. If you ask, I will tell you. But I do not volunteer it in conversation, just like I do not volunteer it on my facebook wall. If you ask, or search as you do so by reading my online journal, I will give a candid response. And if you don't care to know, then you won't.

I do hope people read this, just like I hope people read the quotations and see what's important to me or try to find out more about me when they talk to me. It's not because I think I have anything particularly special to share. As mentioned above, others can say what I have on my mind better than myself. It's just a comfort to know some people care enough to learn more about who I am as a human being. To paraphrase Shrek, I'm like an onion. I'm stinky and make you cry, but there are layers! Or so it seems from the number of people who commonly say I seem like an idiot or ass under initial impressions but they find me interesting enough to be good friends later on.

I had the best conversation I've probably had with someone since I joined the Marine Corps today, and it was with someone I barely even know. They didn't ask any of the overdone trite questions about if I was in combat, did I shoot anyone, or anything like that. They didn't ask about politics in the meta scale. They asked about me, my thoughts as a person. And they listened. It may be a bit selfish to want someone to actually be interested in what I have to say, but it's a very human want to desire someone, even a relative stranger, to care enough to know about you as an individual.

What does your Facebook profile say about you? Do you have a different public and private persona?

Humanity

"It is well that war is so terrible, lest we grow too fond of it"

-Robert E. Lee

It always bothers me when the Community Service Officers I work with hope for a medical-aid event. Why would you wish that? To pass the time faster? Out of some perverse desire to see an injury? Either way, they would do well to remember that any med-aid means that someone else is suffering. It isn't something they should hope for. People wish they could have been the ones to discover that burning car. Why? Because it would be exciting and thrilling? A person died. If you want exciting and thrilling, pop in Call of Duty into your X-Box.

People want to stare at the train wreck. It's natural. I would be lying if I said I haven't thought about war and being in it with thoughts that bring to mind the speech about how war is a drug. But we should never lose sight that all these things are affecting other human beings. Lives are destroyed, people suffer, and we should get our jollies elsewhere.

Last week a girl tried to commit suicide. Everyone rushed up so they could see the swarms of sirens, the helicopters flying overhead. Why? We weren't helping. There was no reason for us to be there. Was it just so we could watch at the pretty lights and ooh and ahh? I wonder if anyone even noticed the sound of the girl crying in the background of the radio and thought about her, what she must have felt like, what she must have been going through. It made me feel physically ill. It reminded me of how even war is often a spectator sport or simply a topic to debate over coffee between political pundits.

It's late, I haven't slept in a while, and I'm rambling so I want to keep this short. I vow that no matter what I never forget the human impact of events.

No question for this post. I need to rack out.

Earn this

"Something given has no value."

-Starship Troopers, Robert A. Heinlein

I ran into some friends from a different time today. It made me think about some of the life choices I made and the direction my life has gone. When I was trying to decide what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, someone told me that we sometimes have to put ourselves first.

It was soon afterwards I decided that I had to stay in the military. Another friend, one of my closest, spoke to me about how we can't decide what makes us feel happy or content. I personally could never feel at peace if I knew I was putting my own personal happiness first while there still remains so many others sacrificing.

That is not to say there aren't many things I would rather do with my life. I enjoy being home. I wish I didn't give up all those years with my dog. And above all, I really wish for a family, something stable to come home to. All this time away in the military has made that difficult to achieve. But if I could trade away the opportunity to deploy for the opportunity to have these other joys, I could never enjoy it. I don't feel as if I've earned that right yet.

There are so many others that have done more than I have. I have been blessed with the privilege of serving in the company of men better than me. Many walked away from families, children, loved ones, and some gave everything. What have I done? I sat in a can, played video games, watched movies. And now I've spent three whole years, just sitting at home, wasting away my life. I have not earned this. Let me go back, and send someone else home.

Maybe it's some form of survivor's guilt, though I don't know what I've survived. All I know is that I feel this disconnect with everything here.

This was a bit of a rambling post. This is something that I've always had trouble, and still have trouble, trying to form a coherent thought out of.

What about you? Do you have obligations that you feel you need to finish before you can focus on yourself?